Poem things

Relevancy

I still see you while I’m sleeping,

I still feel you,

Although I’m fleeing,

Fleeing from fears formed through forgotten failures,

Fears that are no longer present,

Yet your presence is now more than prominent.

It’s been close to year since you cut those ties,

Casted shadows over what you thought were lies,

I may have been wrong in what went on,

May have sang all the wrong songs,

But what you knew and I know,

Have been different all along.

You stole from me the very thing I loved true,

By ridiculing me through and through,

Now I sit here 2000 miles away,

Still hoping I’ll see you some day,

Is that crazy?

Am I still forsaken by your individuality,

Or am I still stuck in my own washed up warped sense of this brutal reality.

I guess that’s just not up to me,

You see,

From the very beginning,

I never imagined winning you over,

I never envisioned that you’d stay,

But what we think and what we want,

Hardly ever match up anyway.

SF- 8-18-19

Advertisements
Poem things

Unintended Pain

Your heart wasn’t worth breaking,

If I’m not mistaken,

I played and I changed and I stayed,

And I made as much as I could,

To withstand all that we should,

But I failed and I failed and I failed.

To commit to the consequences,

To believe in things that mattered,

Rather I continued to dismantle,

Ever foundation that had their chances,

To withstand the demand,

Of my poor choices,

Turned out I turned our feelings into noises.

I’m sorry for never knowing what was next,

Making moments turn to demons,

And letting my ignorance be at its best.

I never meant to break your heart,

I never meant to fail right from the start,

The pain you still likely feel is as real,

As every emotion that I still try to kill.

I’m consumed by the fact that I will,

Forever and always just be this moment,

That you never should have had to feel.

My intentions were faltered,

I can’t blame it on age,

Inexperience,

Lack of understanding,

Or rage.

I need to accept that it was my simple ways,

Inability to read you and help your bad days.

On top of the changes that I should have made.

At this point it’s worthless,

To apologize or wait,

For retribution,

Confusion,

Or a chance to close space.

Just know that I never meant to,

Cause you this pain.

SF- 1-14-19

Poem things

Substance Abuse

Always searching,
Always learning,
Always lurking,
For a purpose,
To propose a little interest,
Maybe invest.
In more than rocks and incense,
My spirituality had its limits,
Still I seek to be permissive,
Do you get this?
I conceptualize complete control,
While working towards freedom for my soul,
I seek a fortunate future,
While never setting any goals,
It’s a complicated role,
And I’m willing to take the toll.

This longing has got to go,
It is always,
One more,
Two lines,
Being blind,
To restrictions,
Moderations,
Yet my conscious seems to believe it’s,
All part of a bigger picture to believe in,
As my memories start to bleed thin,
I realize all of this,
Is just one singular moment of bliss,
Something I’ll soon start to miss,
When the melody sings,
And everything settles into what it seems,
No matter what type of depression,
Is bursting from these seams.

SF-1-14-19

Poem things

Succubus


They say ignorance is bliss,
So why as I go mindless?
Is it her whispers that I miss,
Her tricks,
Her wits.
I can sit with this.
But I cant seem to forget,
That I knew she had my heart,
From the first day that we met.

Stolen is how it seems,
Because it has never been my choice,
No matter how loud I turn up the noise,
She still roams in all of my dreams,
Turns on and off my emotions,
And plays with my heart strings,
But she’s nowhere to be seen.
Nowhere but inside my mind now it seems.

Forsaken me is what she’s done,
I started a battle I could never have won.
The parasitic after effects,
From a love that felt as hot as the sun,
Will feed off of me,
Just like the succubus that she was.
Funny how I still believe it’s love.


SF- 12-22-18

Poem things, Rants and Thoughts

Problems


I see that everyone has problems,

That’s not the problem, see,

How am I supposed to feel sympathetically,

When I’m involved with a blinding,

Overwhelming consistency,

Of underwhelming contingencies.

Oh it’s easy, “get therapy”,

As if paying for help is worth more than a friend who will listen for free.

Who the hell wants to listen to me,

Everyone has problems,

That’s not the problem, see,

I try to imagine my mind living happily,

But it’s just stays still in progression,

And runs wild through regressions.

So what’s the point in another session,

If I will have nothing to mention.

Everyone has problems,

That’s not the problem, see,

I can’t make every conversation about me,

Everyone has an issue to share,

Or a memory to bear,

And in those moments we truly can care.

Yet it’s the time spent alone,

That makes life feel completely unfair.

If only we had a way to feel a little less scared.


SF – written on Dec. 18th, 2018 @ 4:30 p.m.

Poem things, Rants and Thoughts

6 feet deep

I watched my sister mourn an ex that over dosed,
My father cry when his own mother croaked,
Watched my mother too when her father died after loosing the woman that he loved the most,
I also lost a sister to epilepsy, that shit is fucked up,
She’s was all alone, found naked in her bath tub.
Before all that I lost an uncle that would change my mom forever,
Loosing her brother first when she thought she’d never,
Ever have to spread his ashes farther than his love had casted.
I’m just reacting to the retracting of my memories.
So many memories of all of those who were meant to be,
Alive right now even though there are no remedies,
For the pain of loss and death that has forsaken me.
Just let me replace the bodies that were taken all too soon,
Let me be the face up in that bright old moon.
Looking down upon all of those who have been hurting too.
Those thinking about the ones they’ve lost,
Thinking about the memories you’ve tried to toss,
While search for a simple way to smile,
Maybe if we fake it our cheeks might hold up a while,
Get us down that god damn road another meaningless mile.
While acting wild and riled up to take a crack at happiness,
But if we’re redirecting our minds away from
death and sadness,
Id rather slip and fall into a pit of madness,
Loose my faith in life and love,
Like a dirty rotten mattress,
With a mistress that’s been laughed at.
Because,
All these deaths are haunting me,
As I think it should be me,
6 feet underneath the dirt below my knees.

SF – written on December 17th, 2018 @ 10 a.m.

Rants and Thoughts

So I dropped some Acid

About and hour in…

“It is wild,
Multitudes of visuals,
Interrupting thought patterns,
Cycle recognition,
Slight bits of paranoia,
But it eases away quickly,
Ease of distraction,
But also have the ability to distinguish…
…reality? So to speak, but at this moment I believe that means to be on time. Even with thoughts,
Whether consciously thought of or not.
Deep distractions(best way to put it)
Jittery,
Definitely wanna move a lot,
Going over shames,
Sudden sadnesses,
But they come and go like all waves of energy,
It is simply put,
Time and time again,
We do things to ourselves that we wouldn’t let most others do to themselves.
Thought about putting music on,
Realized how deep music can get and couldn’t find some with too much meaning in it.
Maybe just got distracted by thoughts.
I would say this is good shit…flat out.
Sitting up repetitively to find comfort physically,
As if need a pleasurable sound would help.
Still can’t seem to find the right music.
Enjoying flowing in and out of this note,
As if being in thought and typing are happening at once,
But they aren’t.
Like everyone else,
While trying my best not to be stereotypical,
I still find myself feeling very stereotypical.
Running my mind in circles,
About things lm not even thinking anymore.
Really good stuff,
Once again.
What makes for comfort?
Stepped out side,
Became more thankful,
Thoughtful,
Less internalized immediately.
Started feeling refreshed and calm,
While cold and collective.
Going into every thought with depth or not
I keep revisiting my beer,
As if it’ll help me near the end of something I’ve already started.
Fucked up, as in, very affected at the moment…

Thankful for being able to be alone with myself,
I realize now that most people don’t like that,
I feel for them.
It takes guts I suppose.
Life makes it so easy to get lost in such little things,
While simoultaniously not being able to spell (hah)
, being able to stay on track with the bigger things,
Like that,
Those last two lines took incredibly long to format.
Reminded currently of strong visuals.
Feeling good about relaying recognition.
Revising the idea of introducing music into these moments,
Change “these moments” from i don’t remember.
The weather has been steady,
So that’s calming sort of,
Gunna step outside again,
Go outside in confusion,
Found clarity and more jitters,
Opened the door and was blessed by a critter,
It was a frog,
A baby one,
Very weird to think he’d rather be in here,
Than out there,
Maybe that’s why we all trying to make things…
So….
Comfortable…
Wrong words.
Revisiting beer.
It has been about 2 hours,(3:00 a.m)
I just get so distracted by so many things,
Waaaaves of emotions,
Felt like the last 20 minutes happened in about 10 seconds,
Either way,
The total thing has been around 2-3 hours in at this point.
This doesn’t paint a clear portrait as reality has many more layers than I can easily describe in real time trough thought to text translation.
Having global thoughts,
Witch are misleading in my description of what’s happening.
No easy way to describe it all though.
Feel very happy with it,
Was so warm so to speak,
That’s gentle,
That could be my wood stove heating up (hah)
Is this for me,
Or will I be reading to someone,
Will that be changing it’s corse,
Or should it not.
So many questions,
Can easy cause spirals.
Can be avoided with simple open eyes.

What an interesting way to convert and convey the complexity of what’s seemingly happening in my perceptual conception of my current situational reality.

Drugs.

Revisits beer almost systematically,
Can’t tell if things are wearing off or not,
Could be from splitting it up the way I did.
Have been very aware of family,
But don’t know how to address,
I’ll avoid.
Thought of just recording myself speaking the thoughts out loud,
But no,
Cant tell if certain introspections are myself or the drugs.
Very confusing,
But fun to combat with,
Or co-experience so to speak.
I can see how this would be unsettling for others,
The experience,
The lack of control we really do have on our minds,
Why is it that spiraling certain bits of vocabulary,
Gives me such satisfaction,
Alike the same as shameful,
Masturbation.
Still very lovely,
Not lonely,
Get that right,
But still very,
Jittery so to speak,
My mind really is allll over the place,
Hard to keep track of,
But fun to run around with as well.
Laying down repetitively when my back is in discomfort,
I know I’m bad to it,
My back that is,
So I mustn’t complain,
Once again laughing at needing a sense of purpose for even simple thoughts or actions.
Been a few hours and I’m very impressed with even a split dosing of 1 between an hours time.
Strongly debating cutting hair and cleaning up,
Don’t know,
But this has even been happening mentally outside of recreational drug usage mind time(?)
Should I stay up for the sunrise or use sleep to reset?
There’s that spinal discomfort again(from bad posture)
Very jittery still,
I can rewrite my own definitions of things to help my own mind conform to subjective momentary situations.
Just visually in my mind,
Laughing at the fact that I can’t keep track of thoughts,
If I was recording this, it would either be really sad or weird,
Not sure yet,
Maybe neither,
All I’ve been doing is pacing,
Laying down,
Having thoughts,
Feeling things,
See what I mean.

Distracted (haha)

But either way, not much entertainment to be recorded visually is all,
Most of the experience is mental and personal.

Gotta pee.

What is it from this that I crave,
Every time it’s good,
It’s like this,
Confusing,
But seemingly everlasting,
Then different,
Every other moment.
Not peeing,
But experiencing.

It sounds exhausting to maintain a personah.

Deep thoughts
Deep thoughts.

Lays back down and laughs,
Because this is all so ridiculous.

Mind is all over the place,
Debating,
I’m good spaces though,
Even when thinking of the things I personally feel would cause others darkness,
I see the light in those very sad moments.
There needs to be light in those moment.

30 minutes later and I feel as though it hasn’t slowed down.
Maybe,
I may be in more control at this point.
Of my mind that is.

Really enjoying the totality of it all,
The fact that I’m sitting back and laughing at bits of myself,
Rather than criticizing them,
Is very,
Enjoyable,
Feels…ear opening…the fan just seemed louder for a second.
Have had all sorts of auditory…complications so to speak since taking the active chemicals.

I laugh at my own narcissism,
Simply because someone else would have focused on the frog and bettles from earlier,
Instead of turning internal and investigating the mind, in place of an organic relationship with a different life form…literally.

Deep.

Our personal problems go deep.
But only as deep as we let them.

Laugh at having become more of a character than a person.
In ways.

Every time I put the phone down,
Stop describing for a second,
My mind relaxes,
Then goes wild,
Then comes back to phone for validation,

4:04 am,
The fucking roosters are crowing.
Still into this though,
But I would like to think it’s wearing off.

4:08 am,
Definitely just saw something very particular float in an unorthodoxy way through the air from the tip of my finger into my bowl piece.

Revisiting music again,
Still have gotten nowhere,
Thoughts are too distracting.

Noticed a fractal pattern,
Drinks beer,
Had thoughts,
Rambles in mind,
Comes to unhelping conclusion on pent up energy from having to pee,
Goes pee,
Turns around relieved,
Burps,
Just like every time before hand.

But so much goes on in the mind,
Between those times.

Recycling beers because I can’t feel it,
Bad idea.
Still going through with it.

At the end of the day I was gunna talk about symmetry’s day then another frog jumped into my vision….
So fucking cute.

Definitely the same one as before,
How he got where he is,
I have no clue without having one,
Either been stepped on,
Or two,
Been caught by eyes before hand and recognized as way more important than my current thoughts and written down to validate.

He jumped.

So many bugs,
So dirty,
Must not pay attention to such finer details,
Enjoy the more prominent ones.

I have had 7 beers,
There are 7 on the shelf,
If I drink one more,
Then they’ll all be evened out.

Realizing how small I really think,
Self centered I can be,
It’s damaging,
If not to me,
But to the opportunities that could happen.

By limiting myself from expansion and experience,
I limit those that I love, from the same.
Is that internally selfish or selfless?
I’m lost between understanding.

At the moment.

4:39 am,

Still feeling effects,
But enjoying every complicated section of it.

Everything is so systematic.

Or can be,
If we let it become so.

4:52 am, just re-read this whole thing and couldn’t help but laugh and relate.

Which make sense.
Because it’s me,
Reading to me,
At this point,
So hi,
It was a good time,
You’ll remember that later.

4:54 I see the poor side of thinking I need to validate every thought and experience by displaying them here to revisit.

I’ll go on.
Must still be under effects.
Can’t begin to explain how wonderful this batch is.
Very amazing stuff,
In my opinion,
Which to this point,
Is now set,
I know the difference.

As far as I know,
This is indistinguishable,
Fuck English,
Took me forever to spell and say that out loud.
From the rest.

Then again,

Everyone’s experience,
Is different from the last,
Even when revisiting,
Moments from the past.

I have no major influence,
At least to me,
I don’t yet.

I have family,
But that is different than public reach.

When your opinions are back by the faces you no longer see.
That’s validation in America.
To me…
At the moment…

Time stamps become important in the relativity to consistency of thoughts.
We all know how this change so sudden.

Wrote that last part at 5:07
It’s now 5:08 and I’m not sure why any of this was relevant to…anything.

Things seem a little less intense, for sure, at this point.
But definitely still in effect.

Love all my friends,
So many beautiful people and individuals that I take for granted like we take our manors.

Don’t exactly know what that means but I’ll leave it for later.

Mind and body.
Feel like a whirlwind.
5:22 am.

As in,
I unsettle the peace and organization in my surroundings with chaos and dissolution.

Almost…
Unwittingly…

I’d make a terrible sibling,
And a worse friend.
Can’t even imagine the immense-damage a narcissist-like me does to someone I speak to love but fear to show affection for.

I’m sorry to my past lovers,
For all my disrespect.
5:26.

That little section of like 20 minutes,
Was a whole little deal I cant explain into its own little self if a moment worth noting.

So there’s that.

Well here’s this.
5:31. First time on the other couch.
Big deal.
Enjoyed the potential of it.
For the dosage and the way I timed it.
Was super intense,
But controllable,
Yet irrational and erratic.
At times I was there,
Deep in introspective-thoughts,
Then bam,
Self realization and overwhelming humbleness,
Then bam,
Reality and layers of expectations.
But slow down to calmness within interventions.
Mentally.
5:36 am.

5:40(preemptively at 5:37)
Over to the original couch.

I didn’t wait for 5:40.
Found that Vuse I never mentioned before.

‪I have ruined so many things in pursuit of feelings that no one should have to endure.‬
5:57am.

This hasn’t gone dark,
Just sympathetic for the pain I feel in connection to the pain I’ve caused.

Thankful for it all and the recognition of its complexities.”

SF- 10-3-18

Poem things

Gasping


My heart keeps beating,

But no longer for me,

It beats for all of thee,

People who say my death,

Would cause them misery.

I live for the need,

Of feeling what I hope to be,

Is closer than the horrors in my history,

I’m afraid I am no longer free,

I’m held down by my roots,

That extend down from my family tree,

I have no “Me”,

Just a visionary’s sculpture,

Of what they can see,

A creation for someone else’s glee.

Like I’m living but not alive,

So far away from life,

That I forgot what it’s like,

To be motivated,

Concentrated,

Or meditative,

But yet I’d say it’s just complicated,

I can not take this,

No longer for no reason,

I have to keep on believing,

That by keeping on,

I can keep on dreaming,

That this pain won’t last,

And this change will pass,

I can master my bad habits,

Then change my path,

After all it’s but a matter of fact,

By staying conscious for them,

I can feel freedom again,

Maybe enjoy some friends,

Or create new ends,

By the end of this poem,

Maybe this pain will mend.


NV. – written on September 17th, 2018

Poem things

Systematic


Systematic psychedelics,

Do you know your trippin’

Take another tab,

Now the feelin’ starts to slip in,

Do you need a breather,

Cause the feelings getting clearer,

If you look for limbo,

Then you’ll probably start to see fear,

Down a little path,

To the horrors of your past,

When you took that little tab,

Did you think to just relax,

Now you relapsed,

And the mind has left it’s path,

Can’t you do the math,

This part simply will not last,

If you have the strength to take it back,

This trip could be a blast,

That’s a fact.

Look around,

See the sounds,

Let your mind make its rounds,

Coming back to where we found,

A little little peace in the now,

Because we know there’s no way out,

From our little streams of doubt,

When the mind is filled with clouds,

And our thoughts are far too loud,

All we need is to feel proud,

Maybe regal,

Like in dreams,

For the moment,

Let it be,

Let your trip simply free,

Of commotion and your needs,

Won’t you please?

Let it be,

As you read these thoughts with me,

Through the clouds,

Now you see,

That darkness isn’t meant to be,

When you trip,

It’s meant for glee,

Introspection,

Maybe feeling more complete,

Not letting ourselves be beat,

By a mind to powerfully,

Open to the ability,

To be threatened by our “Me”.


SF. – written sometime in June or July of 2018.

Poem things, Rants and Thoughts

What’s New

Hey,

What’s new?

You’re choosing to walk away?

Oh, cool.

You get to do that to me again?

Cause I’m the fool?

With nothing to loose?

Well then fuck it,

Were through.

What’s it gunna be this time huh,

Another six months,

For nothing to get done?

Is the when you’ll have had enough,

Of the distance you developed between us?

Is that when you’ll wanna take another chunk of what little bit of love I even have left?

Now I’m loosing my damn breathe.

Now I’m questioning all of the things that I do,

Why I give up my time to be there for you,

Sit in silence so somber just thinking life through,

Wondering why the hell you always give up so soon.

And what the hell is the meaning of truth,

When all that you say,

Has more meanings than two.

SF. – written on August 8th, 2018.