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Rants and Thoughts

So I dropped some Acid

About and hour in…

“It is wild,
Multitudes of visuals,
Interrupting thought patterns,
Cycle recognition,
Slight bits of paranoia,
But it eases away quickly,
Ease of distraction,
But also have the ability to distinguish…
…reality? So to speak, but at this moment I believe that means to be on time. Even with thoughts,
Whether consciously thought of or not.
Deep distractions(best way to put it)
Jittery,
Definitely wanna move a lot,
Going over shames,
Sudden sadnesses,
But they come and go like all waves of energy,
It is simply put,
Time and time again,
We do things to ourselves that we wouldn’t let most others do to themselves.
Thought about putting music on,
Realized how deep music can get and couldn’t find some with too much meaning in it.
Maybe just got distracted by thoughts.
I would say this is good shit…flat out.
Sitting up repetitively to find comfort physically,
As if need a pleasurable sound would help.
Still can’t seem to find the right music.
Enjoying flowing in and out of this note,
As if being in thought and typing are happening at once,
But they aren’t.
Like everyone else,
While trying my best not to be stereotypical,
I still find myself feeling very stereotypical.
Running my mind in circles,
About things lm not even thinking anymore.
Really good stuff,
Once again.
What makes for comfort?
Stepped out side,
Became more thankful,
Thoughtful,
Less internalized immediately.
Started feeling refreshed and calm,
While cold and collective.
Going into every thought with depth or not
I keep revisiting my beer,
As if it’ll help me near the end of something I’ve already started.
Fucked up, as in, very affected at the moment…

Thankful for being able to be alone with myself,
I realize now that most people don’t like that,
I feel for them.
It takes guts I suppose.
Life makes it so easy to get lost in such little things,
While simoultaniously not being able to spell (hah)
, being able to stay on track with the bigger things,
Like that,
Those last two lines took incredibly long to format.
Reminded currently of strong visuals.
Feeling good about relaying recognition.
Revising the idea of introducing music into these moments,
Change “these moments” from i don’t remember.
The weather has been steady,
So that’s calming sort of,
Gunna step outside again,
Go outside in confusion,
Found clarity and more jitters,
Opened the door and was blessed by a critter,
It was a frog,
A baby one,
Very weird to think he’d rather be in here,
Than out there,
Maybe that’s why we all trying to make things…
So….
Comfortable…
Wrong words.
Revisiting beer.
It has been about 2 hours,(3:00 a.m)
I just get so distracted by so many things,
Waaaaves of emotions,
Felt like the last 20 minutes happened in about 10 seconds,
Either way,
The total thing has been around 2-3 hours in at this point.
This doesn’t paint a clear portrait as reality has many more layers than I can easily describe in real time trough thought to text translation.
Having global thoughts,
Witch are misleading in my description of what’s happening.
No easy way to describe it all though.
Feel very happy with it,
Was so warm so to speak,
That’s gentle,
That could be my wood stove heating up (hah)
Is this for me,
Or will I be reading to someone,
Will that be changing it’s corse,
Or should it not.
So many questions,
Can easy cause spirals.
Can be avoided with simple open eyes.

What an interesting way to convert and convey the complexity of what’s seemingly happening in my perceptual conception of my current situational reality.

Drugs.

Revisits beer almost systematically,
Can’t tell if things are wearing off or not,
Could be from splitting it up the way I did.
Have been very aware of family,
But don’t know how to address,
I’ll avoid.
Thought of just recording myself speaking the thoughts out loud,
But no,
Cant tell if certain introspections are myself or the drugs.
Very confusing,
But fun to combat with,
Or co-experience so to speak.
I can see how this would be unsettling for others,
The experience,
The lack of control we really do have on our minds,
Why is it that spiraling certain bits of vocabulary,
Gives me such satisfaction,
Alike the same as shameful,
Masturbation.
Still very lovely,
Not lonely,
Get that right,
But still very,
Jittery so to speak,
My mind really is allll over the place,
Hard to keep track of,
But fun to run around with as well.
Laying down repetitively when my back is in discomfort,
I know I’m bad to it,
My back that is,
So I mustn’t complain,
Once again laughing at needing a sense of purpose for even simple thoughts or actions.
Been a few hours and I’m very impressed with even a split dosing of 1 between an hours time.
Strongly debating cutting hair and cleaning up,
Don’t know,
But this has even been happening mentally outside of recreational drug usage mind time(?)
Should I stay up for the sunrise or use sleep to reset?
There’s that spinal discomfort again(from bad posture)
Very jittery still,
I can rewrite my own definitions of things to help my own mind conform to subjective momentary situations.
Just visually in my mind,
Laughing at the fact that I can’t keep track of thoughts,
If I was recording this, it would either be really sad or weird,
Not sure yet,
Maybe neither,
All I’ve been doing is pacing,
Laying down,
Having thoughts,
Feeling things,
See what I mean.

Distracted (haha)

But either way, not much entertainment to be recorded visually is all,
Most of the experience is mental and personal.

Gotta pee.

What is it from this that I crave,
Every time it’s good,
It’s like this,
Confusing,
But seemingly everlasting,
Then different,
Every other moment.
Not peeing,
But experiencing.

It sounds exhausting to maintain a personah.

Deep thoughts
Deep thoughts.

Lays back down and laughs,
Because this is all so ridiculous.

Mind is all over the place,
Debating,
I’m good spaces though,
Even when thinking of the things I personally feel would cause others darkness,
I see the light in those very sad moments.
There needs to be light in those moment.

30 minutes later and I feel as though it hasn’t slowed down.
Maybe,
I may be in more control at this point.
Of my mind that is.

Really enjoying the totality of it all,
The fact that I’m sitting back and laughing at bits of myself,
Rather than criticizing them,
Is very,
Enjoyable,
Feels…ear opening…the fan just seemed louder for a second.
Have had all sorts of auditory…complications so to speak since taking the active chemicals.

I laugh at my own narcissism,
Simply because someone else would have focused on the frog and bettles from earlier,
Instead of turning internal and investigating the mind, in place of an organic relationship with a different life form…literally.

Deep.

Our personal problems go deep.
But only as deep as we let them.

Laugh at having become more of a character than a person.
In ways.

Every time I put the phone down,
Stop describing for a second,
My mind relaxes,
Then goes wild,
Then comes back to phone for validation,

4:04 am,
The fucking roosters are crowing.
Still into this though,
But I would like to think it’s wearing off.

4:08 am,
Definitely just saw something very particular float in an unorthodoxy way through the air from the tip of my finger into my bowl piece.

Revisiting music again,
Still have gotten nowhere,
Thoughts are too distracting.

Noticed a fractal pattern,
Drinks beer,
Had thoughts,
Rambles in mind,
Comes to unhelping conclusion on pent up energy from having to pee,
Goes pee,
Turns around relieved,
Burps,
Just like every time before hand.

But so much goes on in the mind,
Between those times.

Recycling beers because I can’t feel it,
Bad idea.
Still going through with it.

At the end of the day I was gunna talk about symmetry’s day then another frog jumped into my vision….
So fucking cute.

Definitely the same one as before,
How he got where he is,
I have no clue without having one,
Either been stepped on,
Or two,
Been caught by eyes before hand and recognized as way more important than my current thoughts and written down to validate.

He jumped.

So many bugs,
So dirty,
Must not pay attention to such finer details,
Enjoy the more prominent ones.

I have had 7 beers,
There are 7 on the shelf,
If I drink one more,
Then they’ll all be evened out.

Realizing how small I really think,
Self centered I can be,
It’s damaging,
If not to me,
But to the opportunities that could happen.

By limiting myself from expansion and experience,
I limit those that I love, from the same.
Is that internally selfish or selfless?
I’m lost between understanding.

At the moment.

4:39 am,

Still feeling effects,
But enjoying every complicated section of it.

Everything is so systematic.

Or can be,
If we let it become so.

4:52 am, just re-read this whole thing and couldn’t help but laugh and relate.

Which make sense.
Because it’s me,
Reading to me,
At this point,
So hi,
It was a good time,
You’ll remember that later.

4:54 I see the poor side of thinking I need to validate every thought and experience by displaying them here to revisit.

I’ll go on.
Must still be under effects.
Can’t begin to explain how wonderful this batch is.
Very amazing stuff,
In my opinion,
Which to this point,
Is now set,
I know the difference.

As far as I know,
This is indistinguishable,
Fuck English,
Took me forever to spell and say that out loud.
From the rest.

Then again,

Everyone’s experience,
Is different from the last,
Even when revisiting,
Moments from the past.

I have no major influence,
At least to me,
I don’t yet.

I have family,
But that is different than public reach.

When your opinions are back by the faces you no longer see.
That’s validation in America.
To me…
At the moment…

Time stamps become important in the relativity to consistency of thoughts.
We all know how this change so sudden.

Wrote that last part at 5:07
It’s now 5:08 and I’m not sure why any of this was relevant to…anything.

Things seem a little less intense, for sure, at this point.
But definitely still in effect.

Love all my friends,
So many beautiful people and individuals that I take for granted like we take our manors.

Don’t exactly know what that means but I’ll leave it for later.

Mind and body.
Feel like a whirlwind.
5:22 am.

As in,
I unsettle the peace and organization in my surroundings with chaos and dissolution.

Almost…
Unwittingly…

I’d make a terrible sibling,
And a worse friend.
Can’t even imagine the immense-damage a narcissist-like me does to someone I speak to love but fear to show affection for.

I’m sorry to my past lovers,
For all my disrespect.
5:26.

That little section of like 20 minutes,
Was a whole little deal I cant explain into its own little self if a moment worth noting.

So there’s that.

Well here’s this.
5:31. First time on the other couch.
Big deal.
Enjoyed the potential of it.
For the dosage and the way I timed it.
Was super intense,
But controllable,
Yet irrational and erratic.
At times I was there,
Deep in introspective-thoughts,
Then bam,
Self realization and overwhelming humbleness,
Then bam,
Reality and layers of expectations.
But slow down to calmness within interventions.
Mentally.
5:36 am.

5:40(preemptively at 5:37)
Over to the original couch.

I didn’t wait for 5:40.
Found that Vuse I never mentioned before.

‪I have ruined so many things in pursuit of feelings that no one should have to endure.‬
5:57am.

This hasn’t gone dark,
Just sympathetic for the pain I feel in connection to the pain I’ve caused.

Thankful for it all and the recognition of its complexities.”

SF- 10-3-18

Poem things

Gasping


My heart keeps beating,

But no longer for me,

It beats for all of thee,

People who say my death,

Would cause them misery.

I live for the need,

Of feeling what I hope to be,

Is closer than the horrors in my history,

I’m afraid I am no longer free,

I’m held down by my roots,

That extend down from my family tree,

I have no “Me”,

Just a visionary’s sculpture,

Of what they can see,

A creation for someone else’s glee.

Like I’m living but not alive,

So far away from life,

That I forgot what it’s like,

To be motivated,

Concentrated,

Or meditative,

But yet I’d say it’s just complicated,

I can not take this,

No longer for no reason,

I have to keep on believing,

That by keeping on,

I can keep on dreaming,

That this pain won’t last,

And this change will pass,

I can master my bad habits,

Then change my path,

After all it’s but a matter of fact,

By staying conscious for them,

I can feel freedom again,

Maybe enjoy some friends,

Or create new ends,

By the end of this poem,

Maybe this pain will mend.


NV. – written on September 17th, 2018

Poem things

Systematic


Systematic psychedelics,

Do you know your trippin’

Take another tab,

Now the feelin’ starts to slip in,

Do you need a breather,

Cause the feelings getting clearer,

If you look for limbo,

Then you’ll probably start to see fear,

Down a little path,

To the horrors of your past,

When you took that little tab,

Did you think to just relax,

Now you relapsed,

And the mind has left it’s path,

Can’t you do the math,

This part simply will not last,

If you have the strength to take it back,

This trip could be a blast,

That’s a fact.

Look around,

See the sounds,

Let your mind make its rounds,

Coming back to where we found,

A little little peace in the now,

Because we know there’s no way out,

From our little streams of doubt,

When the mind is filled with clouds,

And our thoughts are far too loud,

All we need is to feel proud,

Maybe regal,

Like in dreams,

For the moment,

Let it be,

Let your trip simply free,

Of commotion and your needs,

Won’t you please?

Let it be,

As you read these thoughts with me,

Through the clouds,

Now you see,

That darkness isn’t meant to be,

When you trip,

It’s meant for glee,

Introspection,

Maybe feeling more complete,

Not letting ourselves be beat,

By a mind to powerfully,

Open to the ability,

To be threatened by our “Me”.


SF. – written sometime in June or July of 2018.

Poem things

Release


Reputations,
Repetitions,
Resolutions,
All seeming unlikely,
I am trying to quit my hiding,
Even though through the lying,
Those better parts of me have begun dying.


Cycles,
Circles,
Certain,
That I can’t keep up with my reason,
It is nothing less than feeble,
These attempts to try free up,
A set of different habits that will help in finding feeling.


Meaning,
Mourning,
Mending,
No where near enough of my issues,
They pile up to a point I cannot see through,
I’m sure you’ve felt this same truth,
As if everyone is out to get you.


Hiding,
Hurting,
Hating,
Hollowed formations in my character,
As my motivations take their turns,
I feel all my emotions as they burn,
Into what i lost while seeing her.


Tested,
Tainted,
Torment,
Treating my problems like a door mat,
Easily walked over and hardly looked at,
While never getting used to that,
It has made more sense than fixing them.


NV. Written on September 10th, 2018 started @ 6:30 a.m. finished @ 7:45 a.m.

Poem things, Rants and Thoughts

Rope


This is to all you privileged,

Self righteous faceless fuckers,

Never have known seldomness,

Never have had a helpless mother.

Or an unsuccessful father,

From a family that’s a bother,

Without money for our problems.

We never had a way to stop them,

Payments after payments,

Do you know what day to day is?


They all say “I’m so alone”,

Yet you sit and stare straight at your phones,

Full of people that you chose,

Nah, you don’t even fucking know,

I bet they’ve never been this low.

Take a look at all my limbs,

All you’ll see are scars and broken bones.

From where I have had to go,

The limits of my patience,

And all the damage I now know.


You don’t wanna know what’s it’s like,

To have to re erase your soul,

Over and over again,

Changing faces as you go,

Never knowing who you’ve been,

Who you should be,

Or if you’ll ever have some kin.

Always feeling unimportant,

And as if you’ll never quite fit in.

If only I could find my ending,

But that’s simply where it will all begin.


Now I hear everyone may be feeling insane,

Still they all know growth and gains,

Never felt full of real sick shame,

Still it’s my kind of people who get the blame,

We may all have a heritage,

But some of us have no names.

No fortune and no fame,

Less opportunistic change,

More redirected rage,

Our society is nothing more than a corporately constructed cage.

Built on laws and governments that are simply meant to take,

All its citizens hopes and dreams,

Monetary values and everything in between.


I bet all of you have had some help,

Probably never really hurt,

Never screamed and never yelled,

For more than materials or your wealth,

Always had a sense of love,

From any one of the beings up above,

Yeah, they’ve never had it rough.

Always had just enough.

What happens when hope takes off its gloves,

Smacks you right across your face,

And asks, “how’s it feel to forget love, never have anything to dream of?”


Have you ever actually been homeless,

Or hopeless,

Remotely contained,

Or throat less,

Had no voice to portray,

Or not felt,

But actually been worthless?

I was told life is game,

That makes me feel lifeless.

As if it’s something to be tamed,

What a joke,

It’s meant for those rich,

And those famed.


So when you sit there,

Do nothing but assume,

As if you could even have a clue,

Don’t begin to think you will understand,

Any of the feelings that I’ve been through,

Or what I have had to do.

Everybody’s life is little different,

And I wish that mine would just end soon.

Take me out of the gutters that I’ve construed.

Away from the problems that I’ve been glued to,

And all the situations that I can’t seem to get through,

Unlike the drugs and alcohol that I so habitually find ways to consume,

As if they can settle my symptoms,

And make my mind feel new,

As if I can drunkenly just pick and choose,

Motivations and places to not be riddled the fool,

This life it just gets to me,

So now I’ll enter the rope.


SF – written between August 10th and September 4th, 2018